All Souls Day,A Day of Resurrection

So,I just got back from my Taipei trip, and I must say one of the highlights would be the homily in the mass I attended on All Soul’s day,02Nov2014 at St.Christopher’s Church,Taipei.Let me share a few points.

“Review,Renew, Remember”

1. A time to review our lives current status,where are we right now in our lives?have we lived our life accordingly?Have we left a significant impact in a person/or our loved ones life that anytime the Lord calls us home,we are confident we lived our life in accordance to His will?

2.A time to remember and celebrate the lives of our faithfully departed loved ones and friends offering prayers for their souls,at the same time being more concsious of the way we live our lives, taking examples after our unproclaimed saints,our departed loved ones and friends, and remembering how they have impacted our lives, with the hope that we’d do the same to the lives of the people around us.

3. A time to reconsider living our everyday life as if it is our last.To always prepare ourselves in the day of our own resurrection.e faithfully departed friends and family.

This homily gave me a new sense of understanding regarding All Souls day.It also made me reflect on where I am right now in my life.How have I been as a daughter,a sister,a friend,a colleague.Have I lived my life in such a way that I can say anytime,I am ready to go. I honestly can say I am still not ready.I am still a work in progress,But this served as a good reminder for me to renew my ways and start to change my outlook in life. Now I have to keep track of my progress each and every time.:) To make a concsious effort to be good everyday. 🙂

— the past–

After weeks of depression and believing and embracing the oppressions, finally it was coming to a close.. Once again You showed yourself to me.. You whispered to me in your most loving ways what I really wanted to hear.. The assurance and affirmation is all but comforting…

 Three important points you told me today that resounded in my soul, deep down..

 “What do you want me to do for you?” Yes, I am guilty of this. I keep on asking you to do this for me, but how will you do this if I don’t leave my PAST behind.. And then it dawned on me.. It was an Aaahh! Moment,, That, yes! It was probably because of it, of not totally surrendering my past behind that’s stopping me from seeing your grace and for not opening my eyes enough to see you..

I admit, these past few weeks has been depressing   and the oppressor has almost won me,, but you never let go of my hand.. I am so truly touched and blessed by what you have been whispering to me 2 weeks straight.

I was losing my interest on the services I am involved with, I felt again the insecurity that I felt before,, I was kinda jealous seeing other people with their special someone.. Then I started to question you, and started to be impatient again.. And slowly started to do my old ways which is so unpleasing in your eyes,,, I almost did my favorite sin which I have long kept out of my mind.. Verbalizing all these things now, it is but making me feel bad that I had been this wreck for the past weeks or so..

But you still picked me up from the puddle of mud and you even sent me angels to affirm me and send me your love notes and messages..

 That I need not to be impatient because you are preparing that life partner that you are gonna give me and that I need to fill my heart first with your love so that I can share my whole self to others just like what you did..

 I am still a work in progress, and I am just truly thankful that you hushed my restlessness and gave me peace,, although I am still quite resisting it but I know in time I will be able to fully embrace everything that you prepared for me because you want me to and you want it because you simply love me..

— u never let me go–

You never fail to surprise me.. This isnt a good week for me.. It started the week so badly. I even got a bit depressed. I dont want to turn to you coz I thought I was a bit of sulking at you.. But no, I realized I was a bit shy of turning to you and telling you what I really want to say.. I know I cant hide anything from you, and I know I say it best when I say nothing at all,, as the song says..

But why did you make me  feel those things? Or why did I not felt anything? I wonder what is wrong with me.. This question, I believe its only me who can answer, or you? I just have to seek the answer deep within..

But today, you made my oh so ordinary day into something extraordinary.. 🙂 thank you for the revelations and affirmations.. thank you for making me feel your presence in my life once again..And most of all, thank you for capping off my week feeling blessed, revived and filled my heart with hope.

I know I am still far from crossing the finish line, but I know and I felt it really, that when I just continue to hold on to you, I will never go astray.

Thank you for not letting go of my hand. Thank you for not giving up on me when even I myself would want to let go of your hand already.. 🙂

_rain_

I don’t remember when was the last time I bathed in the rain.. This afternoon it was drizzling.. Suddenly just felt soo good and brought back happy childhood memories because of the drizzling,,,

And then it got me thinking, why can I not do it now? why is it that when we are young , we can do anything we want like bathing in the rain, soaking our feet in the puddle of water and not even thinking of what others may think of us? Just missed being a child..Being so carefree that you don’t care about tomorrow and what will happen next. You just seize every moment.. That is what I want to do right now.. To just let loose and just do things spontaneously..

Rain sometimes gives the mood of sadness and melancholy, but as for me right now, it signifies something else.. It gives me a feeling of letting loose and be a child again,, If only I can bathe in the rain again.. It also gives me a new hope because come what may, there will always be a rainbow after every rain.. :)) 

so many questions, but can’t answer even one..

So, here I am again.. trying to escape from what I am supposed to feel..  Trying to hide the sadness and the “emptiness’ behind the smiles and laughters. Trying to get over it through doing my daily routines…

 Been feeling this way for quite some time already.. Done those things that I thought can make me happy like going out with friends and spending time with em,, Trying retail therapy again..Yep, felt happy but after that, feeling sad again before going to sleep.

 Tried to escape through sleeping on it.. This time no tears, dunno why.. Not tired of crying though. I just dunno why now no tears fall from my eyes..

 Was feeling that I needed to get out of these “happy thoughts” sometimes and just get out alone, feel the real feeling of being alone and feels like  I really need to Disconnect from my daily life right now.. I’d really want to li-low on the service but I just don’t want people to ask me why and don’t feel like explaining either. Coz I myself cant explain why.. I want to get to the bottom of this but I don’t know how and when..

 Been toying with the idea of going out of town/country alone,,for quite sometime now.. but haven’t pushed through with the idea bcoz I was too caught up with the activities/ social responsibilities with friends that I just push away the idea further..

 The feeling is just similar as in when I felt my heart being broken the first time.. The time when u are in denial stage, but partly wanting to move on, but you don’t knw how and refuse to start the 1^st steps..

 Just want to stay in bed, doing nothing, staring,, no appetite,, just want to literally stop my world even for a day…

 Just yesterday rcvd a great news frm a friend  being engaged.. Am really  happy for her,, but after that feeling, felt sad and empty again.. dnt want to be a spoiler that’s why I am just keeping this to myself, same thing to what I did to try to escape the recurring feelings from before..

 I felt envious of how people feel these emotions when I am not feeling anything. I realized I miss the feeling,, I miss all the emotions, being happy, extremely happy, sad, broken hearted, kilig feeling and all..  I am thinking sometimes “what is wrong with me”?? I just want to feel anything soo badly just to prove that I still am feeling those emotions,,, I once heard this from a movie,, “my heart is not dead, its just broken”… maybe that’s the current state of my heart, and one thing that makes me cringe is I cant do anything about it. Its just frustrating.that sometimes I don’t want to think about it..

 Don’t want people to pity me but I just want to let it out, it might help writing about it.. I feel so selfish keep on thinking about this and even including this in my prayers, but sometimes I just end up praying for just myself becoz of this,,, thus feeling all the more guilty on top of having all these feelings..

 I guess I need a break from all of these. But I don’t know when will this break be or will this happen.. sometimes I’d wish if I can just take a leave for a few days, just to succumb and feel this emotions but life has to go on so how??

 I have googled the Signs of depression,, this one got me thinking,, “Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings,,” Thus I am depressed,,, Don’t know the reason,, and don’t have time thinking about it either.. Perhaps it comes with age.. So many questions, but cannot answer even just one of it.. What is my real purpose in life? Where am I headed after this place? Of course its always easy thinking that I am headed HOME, but that makes it more complicated coz I am going back to my COMFORT ZONE,, thus, will be lying down again to my comfort and might be forgetting again how to stand up in my own feet..